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The other night, I had a drink with a friend who’s a local business owner. He’s extremely involved in the community, volunteers on multiple nonprofit boards, and belongs to several hobby groups and clubs. He’s one of the most gregarious people I’ve ever met; I actually hate going to bars with him because we can’t have a conversation without being interrupted by “hey man!” every three seconds from one of his friends or acquaintances, and an inevitably tedious exchange of pleasantries. Talk turned to Thanksgiving. I asked what his plans were this year, and if he was visiting family. He shifted uncomfortably and said, “I don’t really do Thanksgiving. I’m not close with my family.”
In an affluent community like Newburyport, there’s often an assumption that people are free from hardship. Especially those who are professionally successful. Because the vast majority of residents aren’t worried about poverty or food insecurity, we equate financial stability with presumed happiness. I, for example, assumed that my friend must be headed to a sumptuous Thanksgiving dinner – maybe even hosting at his lavish condo – surrounded by heaps of extended family. But it’s important to remember that just because someone lives in a Hallmark town, can afford its luxuries, and seems to thrive socially, they can still find themselves alone on holidays.
We often think we understand a person’s situation based on how they present themselves publicly. But holidays are a unique institution. They ignore much of what fuels our day-to-day lives—our job and social calendar—and revolve around a single, complex corner of our personal world: family. However well you may know a friend or colleague, chances are their family dynamic is more complicated than you’d think. Maybe they’re not close with their parents, children, or siblings, and holidays are a reminder of that estrangement. Maybe they live far away, and can’t afford to fly out for a Thanksgiving visit. Maybe they don’t have family at all.
It’s easy to get wrapped up in our own plans and traditions, and assume everyone else has similarly packed holiday schedules. Between Friendsgivings, holiday parties, and the anticipated chaos of a big Thanksgiving dinner, it can be almost impossible to imagine that anyone has a blank space on their calendar. But they do. More of them than you’d think. And they might be your friends or neighbors.
The point here isn’t to make anyone feel guilty for having Thanksgiving plans. It’s simply a reminder that not everyone’s holiday situation is the same. Think about who in your life might not have much going on this Thursday. Ask your friend whose parents retired to Florida if they have plans, and if they don’t, consider inviting them over. Reach out to the older woman in your book club whose husband passed away last year, and see if she has anywhere to go. I’m sure plenty of people in town already do this, which is great, and those who don’t aren’t being maliciously neglectful. But taking a moment to ask can make all the difference, even if they ultimately decide to spend the holiday alone.
When you talk to Newburyporters about why they love it here, chances are they’ll give you an earful about “community.” But being part of a community is more than just going for Sunday brunch at the Poynt with coworkers and showing up to Firehouse plays; it’s more than visiting your favorite shops on Invitation Night, walking your dog in Moseley, and being a regular at the Whale. A real community doesn’t look inward, but outward. It gathers for celebration and merriment, but also embraces its role as a support system, and recognizes that for many in town, the community is family. That’s what separates merely living in a city from living in a society.
This Thanksgiving, ask yourself who might be in particular need of community.
If you’d like to volunteer, the following are good resources:
The Pettingell House
The Lion’s Club
Our Neighbor’s Table
The Salvation Army
Eben Diskin
Editor, The Townie
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