A Southerner’s First Impression of Newburyport

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Happy New Year, Newburyport!  Now I know many of you travel south when you want to defrost, but I bet you’d be surprised that a Southerner ventured up north during the winter…willingly. Well I did, and I’m going to give you my unsweetened take on your picturesque little town.

I hated it. 

Ok, I hated it because I loved it. I wasn’t expecting that! Not every Southerner would agree with me (that kind probably roots for the Florida Gators or lives near a swamp), but I like to think I’m the cultured kind. I was born and raised in South GA, spent over a decade in Tallahassee (also considered South GA), 7 years in Fort Worth, TX, and now a yearlong resident of Tampa, FL. Just north of where I was born is Thomasville, GA, where sprawling Victorians infuse the small town with an abundance of borrowed Northern architecture. Your ancestors cultivated the rich selection of ornate estates by selecting a warmer Thomasville, GA for your winter retreats, very well establishing themselves as the first snowbirds. No wonder I love it here!

While I am accustomed to stunning architecture, I was not expecting it to infuse every square inch of this captivating city. Do you actually have a bad part of town?  Is there a “wrong side of the tracks”? I was prepared to visit a dive bar, but shockingly it is an adorable sports bar called Neptunes that is evidently older than me and twice as good looking. Not to mention the camaraderie: you guys are so damn generous that even during NFL games where patrons participate in a 50/50 drawing, most times the winner donates the money back to the “Neps” to pay for the community food that’s just offered to everyone. Look, I pride myself on being a hospitable southerner, and this is too far. You’re appropriating my culture. 

In total I have been in Newburyport 8 full days. I bet I went to restaurants and bars twice a day, so 16 outings. All that eating and drinking and I have likely only visited a tenth of the food and beverage establishments. I could throw a rock and hit a gin on the rocks from anywhere in town. I’m not a gambler, but if I was, I would bet less than 5 people are practicing dry January in Newburyport. My liver is proud of you! I participated in a bar crawl just before Christmas, and let me just say — you guys REALLY know how to crawl from bar to bar.

While no one was looking, I snuck out of the bar crawl and grabbed a bite to eat at Carmine, where the osso buco was so tender it practically jumped off the bone. If you can’t get into Carmine right away, please go across the street to Bar25 and order the Magic Mushrooms and an Espresso Martini.  Don’t worry, while bright, delicious and tangy, the Magic Mushrooms didn’t deliver any hallucinations.  I was bummed, but the night was young! 

So many bars that night that I remember, some I don’t because, hello, bar crawl. I do recall seeing a line of patrons outside The Goat.  Makes sense considering the Tom Brady reference, or maybe the food’s just really good? Either way, I eventually managed to see it during the daytime.  I would like to submit my own petition that it’s always decorated for Christmas. I can’t imagine a more magical place, especially enhanced by the Christmas themed cocktails!  There better be lights up when I come back (yes that’s a threat).

Besides the diverse culinary experience, the downtown area itself is quaint, drawing those who want to patronize a multitude of small businesses with unique options and yet it’s large enough to walk aimlessly looking at historic homes or strolling along the rolling river. Newburyport really is a destination for the looky-loo who favors a dilly dally or a shenanigan.  And because of this and much more, I fully intend on returning, especially after encountering what I can only describe as Southern Hospitality in every nook and cranny of your precious little town. Only take this as a warning, I will find your seedy underbelly and report on it honestly. Probably after a bar crawl. Only if I can remember it.  See you soon, Newburyport!

April Cox
Tampa resident

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